Emotional Intelligence: Chapters 3 & 4 Reflection

So, after reading chapter 3 and 4, I think I blocked out what I read because they are discussing topics/parts of emotional IQ that I struggle to comprehend or want to deal with. I process my emotions, but only after an absolute meltdown. After about a week or two of avoidance, I read through these chapters again...and will probably have to read through them or put them up on my office wall, on the fridge, etc. These chapters provide an EXCELLENT way to process your emotions in a very healthy way. 

Three things I have always known and have put into practice since I was in high school regarding my emotions:

1) Do not make any decisions at the height of your emotions...you will more than likely regret them

2) Do not ACT on how you are feeling as you might just live to regret your actions or words...and once those are out, the damage is sometime irreparable 

3) In whatever way possible resolve those emotions and find an emotional balance

This is what I did right in this process, and I'm so glad I've lived like this for so long. I have no regrets other than the fact that I didn't know how to properly deal with my emotions. Here are the pitfalls of not looking into WHY and WHAT I was feeling:

1) I kept rehearsing the causes of the emotions, which in turn hurts the body physically, and it only would help get me more and more upset until I had an emotional breakdown and finally would process it.

2) BUT I never truly processed it completely, so it hangs out in the back of my mind and effects future responses to the same incidents on a subconscious level, and I've never figured out my "triggers," so I don't really move forward in those particular areas.

3) Played the blame and shame game with myself, which is VERY unhealthy. 

Another gem, which I picked up in Chapter 3 is "the more deeply your motivational system is engaged in a situation, the stronger your feelings." I will be using this to monitor where my triggers are and figure out WHAT I need to assess are my emotions in the situation...take a "step back," if you will, and utilize the chart in Chapter 4 to assess exactly WHAT emotions are being provoked and WHY.

I love the samples they give in these chapters of those that aren't processing emotions: so-and-so comes home from work, tells the wife that he's stressed, then gets on the computer to work some more. What if yes, he's stressed, but that stress is really stemming from not being sure if he's in the right career? Or what if he's really adding to his load because of his constant need for approval or fear that he's not enough? A lighter workload isn't going to help that...

How often do we do this to ourselves? Give our emotions one title and attack it from there? How many times have you gotten angry with your spouse and that's it...you're angry at him, so you either try to change him or overcome the anger when the real reason you're angry is because your afraid that he made a poor decision in buying that car and you just need to talk about a financial game plan with him?

Because this book is so useful, I highly encourage you to purchase it for your own personal development. It's the HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence by the Harvard Business Review Press. I'm learning so much about myself and how to handle things are another level that what I've been able to learn in leadership positions, church, training, etc.

Emotional Intelligence - Reflection on Chapter 1 & 2

Well, I'm finally starting to work on a lot of the goals I set for myself to hit by 35. Even though I'm WAY behind, I'm going to keep plugging on because it is never too late to start.

For my own personal development, I've started reading the HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence. Here's a link in case you are interested in joining me on this journey. :)  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1633692728/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1. 

So far I'm loving it. I read the first two chapters, highlighting important passages for me to reflect on later before my supervisor came up with the idea to journal and share what I've learned from my reading. I haven't really written much in YEARS; however, I have recently come to the realization that when I was writing in my journals, I was a lot more emotionally aware and at peace. So, I'm jumping back on that bandwagon to see how this goes.

Chapter 1: Leading by Feel
I love this simple compilation of commentary on emotional intelligence (from here on out I will be using EIQ) from the Harvard Business Review. It gives me hope for myself and others in relation to EIQ -- its categories and its application in a variety of ways. I'm only going to touch on that which spoke to me the most.

John D Mayer's comment that EIQ doesn't only "include the qualities (like optimism, initiative and self-confidence) but the ability to be more self-aware...understanding your values, beliefs, and how those play out in emotions as well as understanding others' emotions and managing yours appropriately. I'm encouraged by this statement as I often thought that's exactly what EIQ was;and, in most cases, feel that I'm either greatly lacking in these areas or totally faking it until I either get there or exhaust myself from trying so hard to make it so.

In my personal goals, I often struggle with the concept of motivation. I have PLENTY of drive in my work life...too much according to my husband as I'm pretty good at "burning myself out." There's a section written by Richard Bojakzis that talks about the danger of "overemphasizing EIQ competencies" that really hit home with me as I've seen this common theme all through my life. I feel so comfortable in initiative and empathy that I exhaust myself by constantly trying to change things...never being happy with where I'm at or where my work is at. Yes, this can be good; however, it's only good if it allows for BALANCE, which I'm sorely lacking in. A perfect example of this is with my personal goals. I focus so much on initiative and achievement that I'm constantly changing my methods on how to get there...only to give up on them from exhaustion and frustration. I've already been working on this before starting to read this book--mostly because it was frustrating the crap out of my husband. Where does empathy enter into this fun cocktail? Well, I have always been empathetic to the plights of others; however, when I started getting involved in ministry I allowed it to become more important than anything else because that's what was emphasized and appreciated the most in the church setting. A few phrases that I heard often in the last 15 years has been "you care so much that it wears you out...but it's awesome that you care so much" or "Georgia, you are so wrapped up in empathy that you don't know where your emotions end and others' begin." I've spent many years empathizing with others and listening to their problems...from individuals to my community. And that's a good thing. What made it a "bad thing" was that it got to me so much that it made me exhausted, sick, stressed out, and I started having major health issues. I'm still searching for the solution or balance to this, and I was very thankful to discover a section that resonated to me for this very issue. This section is titled "Balance the Load" written by Linda Stone. She went through some of the same things I have been through in regards to her strength and focus on empathy EIQ. Once she realized what the issue was, she literally re-designed and re-defined HOW she completed her work to utilize her EIQ of empathy in a more effective way by "ratcheting up" her relationship building EIQ so that she wasn't overburdened by her empathy EIQ. This is something that I will have to ponder further and hopefully there are more "morsels" for me as I delver further into this book. 

I'll leave you with one last thought in this chapter as I feel most people struggle with this. There's a section that talks about the application of honesty in EIQ. Now, if you're strong in empathy EIQ and have loads of compassion, it can be extremely difficult to be honest with others...especially during a conflict or something that you are battling out emotionally as well. I love this phrase in chapter 1: "Empathy and compassion have to be balanced with honesty." In my work life, my supervisor and I discuss this quite frequently. It's very easy to get wrapped up in empathy and compassion so much that we let things slide that we shouldn't let slide...or fear calling someone out when we know they are doing wrong towards themselves or others. Should you be harsh and blunt like in TV shows and movies? Probably not. But, you still need to be honest. Those that are willing to learn and grow may be upset at first, but they will accept truth when they recognize it. Those that are completely unwilling may just not be people that you need in your life as a "best friend" or influence or may just not be fit for the job that you have tasked them with. It does not mean that you write them completely out...you need diversity in thought and experience to learn and grow and sometimes you need those people that you can agree to disagree with in your life. Believe it or not, this is part of relationship building. Would you rather be friends with someone you have to always be GUESSING at what's wrong or tells you one thing one one day and another on the next? Or would you rather have someone in your life that is truthful...someone that will tell you what they're thinking or feeling regardless of how much it may hurt?

As I get older, I'm learning that I would much rather have someone that is honest with me...that talks directly TO me and not about me. So, if I feel that way why wouldn't others feel that way?

Chapter 2: Do You Lead with EIQ?
This chapter has a "Do You Lead with EIQ" quiz. The categories are Emotional Self-Awareness, Positive Outlook, Emotional Self Control, Adaptability, and Empathy. It is recommended that after you complete the quiz that you have one or two trusted friends score you as well. I had my husband score me. Where I scored myself low (Emotional Self-Awareness and Positive Outlook), he scored me high. I scored myself pretty high on Adaptability, but I also recognized that this is somewhat my "blind spot." I figured if anyone would know what my score should be, it would be my husband. I was correct, and I'm perfectly okay with that knowledge. We both scored me high in empathy, as expected, and surprisingly Emotional Self-Control. He did point out that he scored me high in this area; however, he also knows that when I'm faced with multiple stressors, it causes me to lose this ability. This is an area that exhausts me as well. From what I've learned growing up, it's very easy for my emotions to loose and run unchecked. I have worked for many years to practice self-control and will have to continue to do so. I blame it on genetics...I'm mostly German, though personally I feel there's quite a bit of Irish somewhere in the line of ancestors. HA!

That's all for today. I hope you've enjoyed my recap of the first two chapters, and I encourage you to read this book. Two chapters in, and I've already learned more about myself and my idiosyncrasies. :) 

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Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired

I wish I could change a lot of things about my life, but I know at this point many of those changes aren't possible unless they are a gradual, every day, every moment decisions. This is where I tend to run out of patience with life.

I've been training with Wade Burns who runs Elite Fitness here in Hot Springs, and it has been 2 weeks...2 full weeks of training. First week starting out with 15 minutes and now I'm up to 20 to 25. It's an intense workout no matter how short the duration, and I feel a lot of changes in my body--certain parts are slimmer, stronger, more functional while others remain a huge problem. The hardest part is that I've lost only maybe a pound or 2 and am feeling pretty depressed about the fact that I almost wasn't accepted in the training program because of all my problems combined. (pituitary tumor, swapping of hormones, weakened immune system, scoliosis in my back, the messed up musculature there, etc.)

I wish I could change the muscular and skeletal damage I've put my body through for the last 20 years...starting with poor training in track throwing shot put and discus to allowing myself to gain so much weight.

I want to give up, but THANK GOD I have Dr. Shannon DeBoer's voice in my head saying "would you rather be in pain because you are doing nothing or because you are doing something about it?" That remains true...I have lived in pain every day since 2002 when I found out about my back injuries and gave up on working out, so I chose today, IN SPITE OF HOW I FEEL, that I will continue on this journey to better health no matter what the cost.

Do NOT Mix Tina Fey & Focused Veggie Diet

So my book for January was Tina Fey's Bossypants. It was exactly what I expected it to be...highly entertaining but knowledgeable as well. I would read the book right before I feel asleep, which worked out fine most nights....that is until I decided to focus on going vegetarian (lacto-otho variety). My dreams after that consisted of episodes from 30Rock I remembered in my subconscious mixed with vegetable characters. Scary and hilarious at the same time. I didn't know whether I wanted to force myself awake or keep dreaming...

One of the concepts Tina mentions in her book that I most remember is when she talks about her boss from SNL. Her boss was one of those people that let you come to yourself without being a control freak and without being self-righteous. He would just give you an opening to come back to yourself, and his theory was that he could put up with a lot of crap just to get to the "gold nugget" of what that person can bring to the show. Now that is a person I can completely admire. I am more like Tina Fey--I would use whatever snappiness and self-righteousness I had to light a fire under their butt to get them doing exactly what I think they should be doing right now.

I would image God is more like that manager. I want to be more like that as a person. Can you imagine how much less stress I would have if this is the way I handled the people in my life? If I could find a way to encourage the talent and the beauty of each person to come out with my guidance and encouragement instead of my self-righteousness? What an incredible thought...

Which leads me to the focus I was supposed to have for the month, which was "Letting Go." I think I'm going to continue that into February because the only thing I "let go" of was the focus. I have gotten pretty far, though. I have come to the realization that I have forgiven a lot of people in my life that have wronged or hurt me; however, I am still that bird thinking my broken wings are still broken and won't leave the open cage to test my now healed wings to see if I can still fly in the freedom of forgiveness. Letting go is going to be the first step in finding that freedom.

Cruel Words

Cruel words and assumptions, no matter how "unintentional" they were often cut pretty deep when they come from those who are supposed to love you unconditionally. Too often I hear more of these words than encouraging ones from the most important people in my life...except my momma--unless she's telling me that I'm acting like my dad, them's fightin' words lol.

I ask you, how do you come back from that? How do you dig deep enough within yourself to find the love for yourself that says, "no matter what he/she thinks of me or says to me, I'm going to keep pressing forward instead of looking back, I'm going to keep looking up instead of down into the hurt, I'm going to keep believing in myself even if they don't, I'm going to keep reaching for my personal goals even if they don't believe I can make it, and I will not melt into the floor or cower in hurt and shame or hide behind food anymore?" I feel like I've lived this nightmare for so long that I don't know which way is up out of my head sometimes, and it's hard not to let the darkness of these thoughts suck me in to patterns of self-destruction again. Anyone out there hear me?

Never Forgotten

I just started reading a book by Sheila Walsh, famous 80's recording artist and speaker for Women of Faith, called "Letting Go." Very appropriate considering that is my focus for January.

She brought be me back to the story of Hagar...if you have a chance to read it in the Bible, I recommend it. She wasn't exactly the best person, and because of it and because of the cruelty/irresponsibility of those in charge of her care and her "career," she ran from the community to the desert. She felt alone, forgotten, abused, hurt, bitter, disappointed, rejected, etc. She was an outcast to society; however, God did not forget her...he brought her food, water, and guidance--then went above and beyond that by giving her a very promising future and incredible legacy. Her life was simple, her influence was simple, her circle of friends small, but God saw her as important, as beautiful, and WORTH HIS TIME AND ATTENTION.

Often I forget that even though my service is simple, that I'm operating with a greater purpose. Sometimes I feel forgotten, but there is one that will never forget me. Often I struggle with my past wishing to God that things could have been different...that I could have somehow stopped these destructive patterns in my life, that I could have absorbed a completely different way of seeing myself and being more positive, that I could have stopped whatever it was that caused my pituitary tumor and the onslaught of other health issues. The list goes on and on about what I wish/think SHOULD HAVE been different about my life...so much so that it now holds me back from moving forward. I do still "feel the wounds deeply" and feel "trapped in the word of 'It should have been different'" This is where I am and this is place I want to leave.

How many of us don't want this? To feel beautiful, to be remembered, and to feel WORTH IT...you are, my friend, you are.