Emotional Intelligence Chapter #5

Are You Sure You Show Respect?
This is probably the most challenging section I have read so far. I would like to believe that I show respect to those around me, and it would break my heart to know or hear that I do not show others respect. I try so hard to keep people happy and feeling good about life no matter how crappy things may be going.

In this chapter, they challenge you to talk to many people in your life in regards to what your doing that is respectful and what you do that may be viewed as disrespectful.

Step 1: Collect feedback from 10 people (family, friends, coworkers). Ask for positive examples of your best behavior...when and how they've seen you treat people well. The book recommends using Wordle.net to identify themes in what you are told. Look for patterns in what people say (who, what, when,where,how) are you at your best.

Step 2: Collect feedback from colleagues on what you are doing that is respectful and also on how you can improve. Talk to those who want the best for your and the best for your organization. Include verbal and non-verbal ways that you demonstrate civility and how you may be uncivil with others.

Step 3: Once you have narrowed down the areas that you want to improve on, develop a plan for growth and change. Communicate that plan and ask for feedback on how best to apply your plan in your workplace. Only ask for 2 suggestions from others on how to accomplish your goal. Do not respond or defend yourself. Encourage creativity, listen, write down their ideas, thank them, and move on to the next person. 

Step 4: Keep accountable with your team. Let them know what you're trying to change and give them an opportunity to give you feedback on how you are getting better (or not getting better) at respecting your team.

Step 5: This one will ultimately be the hardest part. I'm good at starting personal development...just not good at staying at it and being consistent and following through for myself. The book recommends keeping a journal and writing down the people, places, and situations in which you have shown respect. It also recommends writing down what situations, people, and places make you angry....I'm afraid I'd be writing forever on this one. I'm full of a lot of anger these days. The book also recommends to keep in mind energy levels or times of day...that maybe those affect your ability to be civil with others.

I'm scared to do this...I'm really afraid of what people will say...or more likely what they won't say. I've noticed that a lot of people are not being truthful with others...especially at work, and I don't understand why that is. I feel like I would be missing important information if I try to ask anyone this information now.

So...to get myself moving on this journey of self-development in emotional intelligence, I'm going to start with my list of 10 and slowly start asking these questions of each person.

HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence Chapter 5, page 43-49

Emotional Intelligence: Chapters 3 & 4 Reflection

So, after reading chapter 3 and 4, I think I blocked out what I read because they are discussing topics/parts of emotional IQ that I struggle to comprehend or want to deal with. I process my emotions, but only after an absolute meltdown. After about a week or two of avoidance, I read through these chapters again...and will probably have to read through them or put them up on my office wall, on the fridge, etc. These chapters provide an EXCELLENT way to process your emotions in a very healthy way. 

Three things I have always known and have put into practice since I was in high school regarding my emotions:

1) Do not make any decisions at the height of your emotions...you will more than likely regret them

2) Do not ACT on how you are feeling as you might just live to regret your actions or words...and once those are out, the damage is sometime irreparable 

3) In whatever way possible resolve those emotions and find an emotional balance

This is what I did right in this process, and I'm so glad I've lived like this for so long. I have no regrets other than the fact that I didn't know how to properly deal with my emotions. Here are the pitfalls of not looking into WHY and WHAT I was feeling:

1) I kept rehearsing the causes of the emotions, which in turn hurts the body physically, and it only would help get me more and more upset until I had an emotional breakdown and finally would process it.

2) BUT I never truly processed it completely, so it hangs out in the back of my mind and effects future responses to the same incidents on a subconscious level, and I've never figured out my "triggers," so I don't really move forward in those particular areas.

3) Played the blame and shame game with myself, which is VERY unhealthy. 

Another gem, which I picked up in Chapter 3 is "the more deeply your motivational system is engaged in a situation, the stronger your feelings." I will be using this to monitor where my triggers are and figure out WHAT I need to assess are my emotions in the situation...take a "step back," if you will, and utilize the chart in Chapter 4 to assess exactly WHAT emotions are being provoked and WHY.

I love the samples they give in these chapters of those that aren't processing emotions: so-and-so comes home from work, tells the wife that he's stressed, then gets on the computer to work some more. What if yes, he's stressed, but that stress is really stemming from not being sure if he's in the right career? Or what if he's really adding to his load because of his constant need for approval or fear that he's not enough? A lighter workload isn't going to help that...

How often do we do this to ourselves? Give our emotions one title and attack it from there? How many times have you gotten angry with your spouse and that's it...you're angry at him, so you either try to change him or overcome the anger when the real reason you're angry is because your afraid that he made a poor decision in buying that car and you just need to talk about a financial game plan with him?

Because this book is so useful, I highly encourage you to purchase it for your own personal development. It's the HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence by the Harvard Business Review Press. I'm learning so much about myself and how to handle things are another level that what I've been able to learn in leadership positions, church, training, etc.