Emotional Intelligence Chapter #5

Are You Sure You Show Respect?
This is probably the most challenging section I have read so far. I would like to believe that I show respect to those around me, and it would break my heart to know or hear that I do not show others respect. I try so hard to keep people happy and feeling good about life no matter how crappy things may be going.

In this chapter, they challenge you to talk to many people in your life in regards to what your doing that is respectful and what you do that may be viewed as disrespectful.

Step 1: Collect feedback from 10 people (family, friends, coworkers). Ask for positive examples of your best behavior...when and how they've seen you treat people well. The book recommends using Wordle.net to identify themes in what you are told. Look for patterns in what people say (who, what, when,where,how) are you at your best.

Step 2: Collect feedback from colleagues on what you are doing that is respectful and also on how you can improve. Talk to those who want the best for your and the best for your organization. Include verbal and non-verbal ways that you demonstrate civility and how you may be uncivil with others.

Step 3: Once you have narrowed down the areas that you want to improve on, develop a plan for growth and change. Communicate that plan and ask for feedback on how best to apply your plan in your workplace. Only ask for 2 suggestions from others on how to accomplish your goal. Do not respond or defend yourself. Encourage creativity, listen, write down their ideas, thank them, and move on to the next person. 

Step 4: Keep accountable with your team. Let them know what you're trying to change and give them an opportunity to give you feedback on how you are getting better (or not getting better) at respecting your team.

Step 5: This one will ultimately be the hardest part. I'm good at starting personal development...just not good at staying at it and being consistent and following through for myself. The book recommends keeping a journal and writing down the people, places, and situations in which you have shown respect. It also recommends writing down what situations, people, and places make you angry....I'm afraid I'd be writing forever on this one. I'm full of a lot of anger these days. The book also recommends to keep in mind energy levels or times of day...that maybe those affect your ability to be civil with others.

I'm scared to do this...I'm really afraid of what people will say...or more likely what they won't say. I've noticed that a lot of people are not being truthful with others...especially at work, and I don't understand why that is. I feel like I would be missing important information if I try to ask anyone this information now.

So...to get myself moving on this journey of self-development in emotional intelligence, I'm going to start with my list of 10 and slowly start asking these questions of each person.

HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence Chapter 5, page 43-49

Emotional Intelligence: Chapters 3 & 4 Reflection

So, after reading chapter 3 and 4, I think I blocked out what I read because they are discussing topics/parts of emotional IQ that I struggle to comprehend or want to deal with. I process my emotions, but only after an absolute meltdown. After about a week or two of avoidance, I read through these chapters again...and will probably have to read through them or put them up on my office wall, on the fridge, etc. These chapters provide an EXCELLENT way to process your emotions in a very healthy way. 

Three things I have always known and have put into practice since I was in high school regarding my emotions:

1) Do not make any decisions at the height of your emotions...you will more than likely regret them

2) Do not ACT on how you are feeling as you might just live to regret your actions or words...and once those are out, the damage is sometime irreparable 

3) In whatever way possible resolve those emotions and find an emotional balance

This is what I did right in this process, and I'm so glad I've lived like this for so long. I have no regrets other than the fact that I didn't know how to properly deal with my emotions. Here are the pitfalls of not looking into WHY and WHAT I was feeling:

1) I kept rehearsing the causes of the emotions, which in turn hurts the body physically, and it only would help get me more and more upset until I had an emotional breakdown and finally would process it.

2) BUT I never truly processed it completely, so it hangs out in the back of my mind and effects future responses to the same incidents on a subconscious level, and I've never figured out my "triggers," so I don't really move forward in those particular areas.

3) Played the blame and shame game with myself, which is VERY unhealthy. 

Another gem, which I picked up in Chapter 3 is "the more deeply your motivational system is engaged in a situation, the stronger your feelings." I will be using this to monitor where my triggers are and figure out WHAT I need to assess are my emotions in the situation...take a "step back," if you will, and utilize the chart in Chapter 4 to assess exactly WHAT emotions are being provoked and WHY.

I love the samples they give in these chapters of those that aren't processing emotions: so-and-so comes home from work, tells the wife that he's stressed, then gets on the computer to work some more. What if yes, he's stressed, but that stress is really stemming from not being sure if he's in the right career? Or what if he's really adding to his load because of his constant need for approval or fear that he's not enough? A lighter workload isn't going to help that...

How often do we do this to ourselves? Give our emotions one title and attack it from there? How many times have you gotten angry with your spouse and that's it...you're angry at him, so you either try to change him or overcome the anger when the real reason you're angry is because your afraid that he made a poor decision in buying that car and you just need to talk about a financial game plan with him?

Because this book is so useful, I highly encourage you to purchase it for your own personal development. It's the HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence by the Harvard Business Review Press. I'm learning so much about myself and how to handle things are another level that what I've been able to learn in leadership positions, church, training, etc.

Emotional Intelligence - Reflection on Chapter 1 & 2

Well, I'm finally starting to work on a lot of the goals I set for myself to hit by 35. Even though I'm WAY behind, I'm going to keep plugging on because it is never too late to start.

For my own personal development, I've started reading the HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence. Here's a link in case you are interested in joining me on this journey. :)  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1633692728/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1. 

So far I'm loving it. I read the first two chapters, highlighting important passages for me to reflect on later before my supervisor came up with the idea to journal and share what I've learned from my reading. I haven't really written much in YEARS; however, I have recently come to the realization that when I was writing in my journals, I was a lot more emotionally aware and at peace. So, I'm jumping back on that bandwagon to see how this goes.

Chapter 1: Leading by Feel
I love this simple compilation of commentary on emotional intelligence (from here on out I will be using EIQ) from the Harvard Business Review. It gives me hope for myself and others in relation to EIQ -- its categories and its application in a variety of ways. I'm only going to touch on that which spoke to me the most.

John D Mayer's comment that EIQ doesn't only "include the qualities (like optimism, initiative and self-confidence) but the ability to be more self-aware...understanding your values, beliefs, and how those play out in emotions as well as understanding others' emotions and managing yours appropriately. I'm encouraged by this statement as I often thought that's exactly what EIQ was;and, in most cases, feel that I'm either greatly lacking in these areas or totally faking it until I either get there or exhaust myself from trying so hard to make it so.

In my personal goals, I often struggle with the concept of motivation. I have PLENTY of drive in my work life...too much according to my husband as I'm pretty good at "burning myself out." There's a section written by Richard Bojakzis that talks about the danger of "overemphasizing EIQ competencies" that really hit home with me as I've seen this common theme all through my life. I feel so comfortable in initiative and empathy that I exhaust myself by constantly trying to change things...never being happy with where I'm at or where my work is at. Yes, this can be good; however, it's only good if it allows for BALANCE, which I'm sorely lacking in. A perfect example of this is with my personal goals. I focus so much on initiative and achievement that I'm constantly changing my methods on how to get there...only to give up on them from exhaustion and frustration. I've already been working on this before starting to read this book--mostly because it was frustrating the crap out of my husband. Where does empathy enter into this fun cocktail? Well, I have always been empathetic to the plights of others; however, when I started getting involved in ministry I allowed it to become more important than anything else because that's what was emphasized and appreciated the most in the church setting. A few phrases that I heard often in the last 15 years has been "you care so much that it wears you out...but it's awesome that you care so much" or "Georgia, you are so wrapped up in empathy that you don't know where your emotions end and others' begin." I've spent many years empathizing with others and listening to their problems...from individuals to my community. And that's a good thing. What made it a "bad thing" was that it got to me so much that it made me exhausted, sick, stressed out, and I started having major health issues. I'm still searching for the solution or balance to this, and I was very thankful to discover a section that resonated to me for this very issue. This section is titled "Balance the Load" written by Linda Stone. She went through some of the same things I have been through in regards to her strength and focus on empathy EIQ. Once she realized what the issue was, she literally re-designed and re-defined HOW she completed her work to utilize her EIQ of empathy in a more effective way by "ratcheting up" her relationship building EIQ so that she wasn't overburdened by her empathy EIQ. This is something that I will have to ponder further and hopefully there are more "morsels" for me as I delver further into this book. 

I'll leave you with one last thought in this chapter as I feel most people struggle with this. There's a section that talks about the application of honesty in EIQ. Now, if you're strong in empathy EIQ and have loads of compassion, it can be extremely difficult to be honest with others...especially during a conflict or something that you are battling out emotionally as well. I love this phrase in chapter 1: "Empathy and compassion have to be balanced with honesty." In my work life, my supervisor and I discuss this quite frequently. It's very easy to get wrapped up in empathy and compassion so much that we let things slide that we shouldn't let slide...or fear calling someone out when we know they are doing wrong towards themselves or others. Should you be harsh and blunt like in TV shows and movies? Probably not. But, you still need to be honest. Those that are willing to learn and grow may be upset at first, but they will accept truth when they recognize it. Those that are completely unwilling may just not be people that you need in your life as a "best friend" or influence or may just not be fit for the job that you have tasked them with. It does not mean that you write them completely out...you need diversity in thought and experience to learn and grow and sometimes you need those people that you can agree to disagree with in your life. Believe it or not, this is part of relationship building. Would you rather be friends with someone you have to always be GUESSING at what's wrong or tells you one thing one one day and another on the next? Or would you rather have someone in your life that is truthful...someone that will tell you what they're thinking or feeling regardless of how much it may hurt?

As I get older, I'm learning that I would much rather have someone that is honest with me...that talks directly TO me and not about me. So, if I feel that way why wouldn't others feel that way?

Chapter 2: Do You Lead with EIQ?
This chapter has a "Do You Lead with EIQ" quiz. The categories are Emotional Self-Awareness, Positive Outlook, Emotional Self Control, Adaptability, and Empathy. It is recommended that after you complete the quiz that you have one or two trusted friends score you as well. I had my husband score me. Where I scored myself low (Emotional Self-Awareness and Positive Outlook), he scored me high. I scored myself pretty high on Adaptability, but I also recognized that this is somewhat my "blind spot." I figured if anyone would know what my score should be, it would be my husband. I was correct, and I'm perfectly okay with that knowledge. We both scored me high in empathy, as expected, and surprisingly Emotional Self-Control. He did point out that he scored me high in this area; however, he also knows that when I'm faced with multiple stressors, it causes me to lose this ability. This is an area that exhausts me as well. From what I've learned growing up, it's very easy for my emotions to loose and run unchecked. I have worked for many years to practice self-control and will have to continue to do so. I blame it on genetics...I'm mostly German, though personally I feel there's quite a bit of Irish somewhere in the line of ancestors. HA!

That's all for today. I hope you've enjoyed my recap of the first two chapters, and I encourage you to read this book. Two chapters in, and I've already learned more about myself and my idiosyncrasies. :) 

35 by 35

So I was incredibly inspired by my friend Sylvia's goal list, and I decided to go ahead and create my own. My hope is that people will keep me accountable and encouraged by asking me how my list is coming and to keep it in front of me so I know what I want out of life and will hopefully stop hiding from what I want in my life...thus ending the patterns of self-destruction.

I'm okay with this list changing as I want different things in my life; however, they shouldn't change too drastically. This little exercise has really shown me what's important to me to start changing/working on/keeping in my life and what I just need to let go of. Hopefully I will either have these things completely done and still living in them in 3 years OR have them well on their way to being a life pattern.

First Year Goals

1. Cut eating out to special occasions ONLY. Those of you who know me best, please help me with this one...it's VERY important to my health in many aspects.
   
2. Work out every day in one way or another...whether it's 20 minutes or 1 hour. I do want to exercise 3 to 4 days a week at 45 minutes to 1 hour in cardio. I have noticed tremendous results doing this. I read the other day that someone who hasn't exercised a whole lot can do the same workout for about 12 weeks before their body REALLY gets used to the routine and they need to change it up. Since consistency is very important to creating a habit, I'm going to do the same routine 2 to 3 times and throw in some Zumba :)
   
3. Go for walks with my hubby and/or puppy as often as possible. I'm tired of the excuses as to why I don't do this...I just need to go for it...even if I have to start out slow.
   
4. Maintain a clean house. Non-clutter assists me in being healthy, productive, and creative. GOODBYE LAZINESS!!!
   
5. Surround myself with healthy goals, encouragement, good music, and people.
   
6. Educated reading...read 1 or 2 books a month so I can expand my knowledge and possibly my life experiences. List: Yoga for Christians, The Pathfinder, Finding Your North Star, The First 30 Days, You Can Heal Your Life, Blessing Your Spirit, Creative Call, Let it Go, Becoming the Woman God Wants Me to Be, Feeling Good, Grow Vegetables, Shortcut to Gardening and Lawn Work, Medicinal Herbs of the Prairie...these are all good books, they are all on my shelf. I can do it, and it's a great start.
   
7. Go through everything in my house and throw away/sell anything that isn't going to Indiana with us when we move. It's a long way off, but I don't want to be dealing with all that AND trying to move at the same time.
   
8. Set up a budget and stick to it--a budget that leaves us with money to move, start over, and go on vacation.
   
   
9. Take care of myself DAILY/WEEKLY because I AM WORTH IT!
   Vitamins Fruits & Veggies Omega 3's Medication Washing/Moisturizing
   Full Dental Care Shaving Legs
   
10. Learn to make a meal plan and grocery shop accordingly...this TERRIFIES me, so it will be a HUGE step if I actually do it and enjoy it.
    
11. Work to grow a successful garden and not be discouraged by last year's results
    a. save carpet from living room floor to use on walkways to deter weed growth
    b. compost & roto-till this year
    c. purchase plants from a greenhouse & NOT a retail store
    d. start in May so have good growth by June
    
    
12. Learn how to grill food...must first learn how to start the grill first.
    
13. Give more time to my spiritual growth and stop avoiding what I know I need.
    
14. Water my garden & lawn frequently.
    
15. Go camping and/or hiking whether it's by myself, with Kelly, or with friends.
    
16. Sing worship again
    
17. Embrace the greatest teacher in life = PAIN
    
18. Do my best to show Kelly how much I love him by being a more passionate lover, perform more acts of service (especially when he's in school), an communicating better with him about my needs and what I'm doing
    
19. Make yoga a part of my life again....with my back issues, it's a GREAT healer and can strengthen my body in the way I want. I just felt a lot better and exercise was easier when this was a part of my life.
    
20. Daily bless those in my life....friend and foe
    
21. Remove myself from all abusive relationships and/or put myself in a place where those abusive relationships don't affect me negatively
    
22. Maintain the good relationships have built with those that have blessed my life in so many ways no matter how far away I move
    
23. Journal or blog daily about my weight loss journey, what I'm going through emotionally, new things I discover...anything.
    
24. Finish my wedding scrapbook (OMG...it'll be 10 years on the 5th!!! What!? and still not done?)
    
25. Learn to set boundaries and maintain them...not taking on too much and not taking on burdens that aren't mine to take on.
    
    First 2 Years
26. Help establish a successful Young Professionals Group in Hot Springs
27. Decide what I want to go to school for and work in that direction
28. Be debt free...no school loans from Kelly, no credit card debt, no medical debt
29. Run a 5K or 10K
30. Find a place to live that accepts pets when we move so I don't have to leave my puppy behind. I just can't do that, and I don't want anyone else to raise her. She's the only "child" I have and it's nice to come home to someone that's happy to see you, cuddles, and loves you with no questions asked and no judgement.
    
    First 3 Years
31. Find employment that is satisfying, higher paying, and works with both our schedules
32. Write a book: either a novel or biography about my journey to health
33. Become a health/fitness guru and coach others on their journey as I have been helped
34. Find a cure for my pituitary tumor and/or have it completely under control
35. Determine if I really want to open a bed-n-breakfast/resort-style business and start working on a business plan

So that's it!! Wish me luck ;)