Well, I'm finally starting to work on a lot of the goals I set for myself to hit by 35. Even though I'm WAY behind, I'm going to keep plugging on because it is never too late to start.For my own personal development, I've started reading the HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence. Here's a link in case you are interested in joining me on this journey. :) https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1633692728/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1.
So far I'm loving it. I read the first two chapters, highlighting important passages for me to reflect on later before my supervisor came up with the idea to journal and share what I've learned from my reading. I haven't really written much in YEARS; however, I have recently come to the realization that when I was writing in my journals, I was a lot more emotionally aware and at peace. So, I'm jumping back on that bandwagon to see how this goes.
Chapter 1: Leading by Feel
I love this simple compilation of commentary on emotional intelligence (from here on out I will be using EIQ) from the Harvard Business Review. It gives me hope for myself and others in relation to EIQ -- its categories and its application in a variety of ways. I'm only going to touch on that which spoke to me the most.
John D Mayer's comment that EIQ doesn't only "include the qualities (like optimism, initiative and self-confidence) but the ability to be more self-aware...understanding your values, beliefs, and how those play out in emotions as well as understanding others' emotions and managing yours appropriately. I'm encouraged by this statement as I often thought that's exactly what EIQ was;and, in most cases, feel that I'm either greatly lacking in these areas or totally faking it until I either get there or exhaust myself from trying so hard to make it so.
In my personal goals, I often struggle with the concept of motivation. I have PLENTY of drive in my work life...too much according to my husband as I'm pretty good at "burning myself out." There's a section written by Richard Bojakzis that talks about the danger of "overemphasizing EIQ competencies" that really hit home with me as I've seen this common theme all through my life. I feel so comfortable in initiative and empathy that I exhaust myself by constantly trying to change things...never being happy with where I'm at or where my work is at. Yes, this can be good; however, it's only good if it allows for BALANCE, which I'm sorely lacking in. A perfect example of this is with my personal goals. I focus so much on initiative and achievement that I'm constantly changing my methods on how to get there...only to give up on them from exhaustion and frustration. I've already been working on this before starting to read this book--mostly because it was frustrating the crap out of my husband. Where does empathy enter into this fun cocktail? Well, I have always been empathetic to the plights of others; however, when I started getting involved in ministry I allowed it to become more important than anything else because that's what was emphasized and appreciated the most in the church setting. A few phrases that I heard often in the last 15 years has been "you care so much that it wears you out...but it's awesome that you care so much" or "Georgia, you are so wrapped up in empathy that you don't know where your emotions end and others' begin." I've spent many years empathizing with others and listening to their problems...from individuals to my community. And that's a good thing. What made it a "bad thing" was that it got to me so much that it made me exhausted, sick, stressed out, and I started having major health issues. I'm still searching for the solution or balance to this, and I was very thankful to discover a section that resonated to me for this very issue. This section is titled "Balance the Load" written by Linda Stone. She went through some of the same things I have been through in regards to her strength and focus on empathy EIQ. Once she realized what the issue was, she literally re-designed and re-defined HOW she completed her work to utilize her EIQ of empathy in a more effective way by "ratcheting up" her relationship building EIQ so that she wasn't overburdened by her empathy EIQ. This is something that I will have to ponder further and hopefully there are more "morsels" for me as I delver further into this book.
I'll leave you with one last thought in this chapter as I feel most people struggle with this. There's a section that talks about the application of honesty in EIQ. Now, if you're strong in empathy EIQ and have loads of compassion, it can be extremely difficult to be honest with others...especially during a conflict or something that you are battling out emotionally as well. I love this phrase in chapter 1: "Empathy and compassion have to be balanced with honesty." In my work life, my supervisor and I discuss this quite frequently. It's very easy to get wrapped up in empathy and compassion so much that we let things slide that we shouldn't let slide...or fear calling someone out when we know they are doing wrong towards themselves or others. Should you be harsh and blunt like in TV shows and movies? Probably not. But, you still need to be honest. Those that are willing to learn and grow may be upset at first, but they will accept truth when they recognize it. Those that are completely unwilling may just not be people that you need in your life as a "best friend" or influence or may just not be fit for the job that you have tasked them with. It does not mean that you write them completely out...you need diversity in thought and experience to learn and grow and sometimes you need those people that you can agree to disagree with in your life. Believe it or not, this is part of relationship building. Would you rather be friends with someone you have to always be GUESSING at what's wrong or tells you one thing one one day and another on the next? Or would you rather have someone in your life that is truthful...someone that will tell you what they're thinking or feeling regardless of how much it may hurt?
As I get older, I'm learning that I would much rather have someone that is honest with me...that talks directly TO me and not about me. So, if I feel that way why wouldn't others feel that way?
Chapter 2: Do You Lead with EIQ?
This chapter has a "Do You Lead with EIQ" quiz. The categories are Emotional Self-Awareness, Positive Outlook, Emotional Self Control, Adaptability, and Empathy. It is recommended that after you complete the quiz that you have one or two trusted friends score you as well. I had my husband score me. Where I scored myself low (Emotional Self-Awareness and Positive Outlook), he scored me high. I scored myself pretty high on Adaptability, but I also recognized that this is somewhat my "blind spot." I figured if anyone would know what my score should be, it would be my husband. I was correct, and I'm perfectly okay with that knowledge. We both scored me high in empathy, as expected, and surprisingly Emotional Self-Control. He did point out that he scored me high in this area; however, he also knows that when I'm faced with multiple stressors, it causes me to lose this ability. This is an area that exhausts me as well. From what I've learned growing up, it's very easy for my emotions to loose and run unchecked. I have worked for many years to practice self-control and will have to continue to do so. I blame it on genetics...I'm mostly German, though personally I feel there's quite a bit of Irish somewhere in the line of ancestors. HA!
That's all for today. I hope you've enjoyed my recap of the first two chapters, and I encourage you to read this book. Two chapters in, and I've already learned more about myself and my idiosyncrasies. :)
