Friday, March 2, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired
I wish I could change a lot of things about my life, but I know at this point many of those changes aren't possible unless they are a gradual, every day, every moment decisions. This is where I tend to run out of patience with life.
I've been training with Wade Burns who runs Elite Fitness here in Hot Springs, and it has been 2 weeks...2 full weeks of training. First week starting out with 15 minutes and now I'm up to 20 to 25. It's an intense workout no matter how short the duration, and I feel a lot of changes in my body--certain parts are slimmer, stronger, more functional while others remain a huge problem. The hardest part is that I've lost only maybe a pound or 2 and am feeling pretty depressed about the fact that I almost wasn't accepted in the training program because of all my problems combined. (pituitary tumor, swapping of hormones, weakened immune system, scoliosis in my back, the messed up musculature there, etc.)
I wish I could change the muscular and skeletal damage I've put my body through for the last 20 years...starting with poor training in track throwing shot put and discus to allowing myself to gain so much weight.
I want to give up, but THANK GOD I have Dr. Shannon DeBoer's voice in my head saying "would you rather be in pain because you are doing nothing or because you are doing something about it?" That remains true...I have lived in pain every day since 2002 when I found out about my back injuries and gave up on working out, so I chose today, IN SPITE OF HOW I FEEL, that I will continue on this journey to better health no matter what the cost.
I've been training with Wade Burns who runs Elite Fitness here in Hot Springs, and it has been 2 weeks...2 full weeks of training. First week starting out with 15 minutes and now I'm up to 20 to 25. It's an intense workout no matter how short the duration, and I feel a lot of changes in my body--certain parts are slimmer, stronger, more functional while others remain a huge problem. The hardest part is that I've lost only maybe a pound or 2 and am feeling pretty depressed about the fact that I almost wasn't accepted in the training program because of all my problems combined. (pituitary tumor, swapping of hormones, weakened immune system, scoliosis in my back, the messed up musculature there, etc.)
I wish I could change the muscular and skeletal damage I've put my body through for the last 20 years...starting with poor training in track throwing shot put and discus to allowing myself to gain so much weight.
I want to give up, but THANK GOD I have Dr. Shannon DeBoer's voice in my head saying "would you rather be in pain because you are doing nothing or because you are doing something about it?" That remains true...I have lived in pain every day since 2002 when I found out about my back injuries and gave up on working out, so I chose today, IN SPITE OF HOW I FEEL, that I will continue on this journey to better health no matter what the cost.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Do NOT Mix Tina Fey & Focused Veggie Diet
So my book for January was Tina Fey's Bossypants. It was exactly what I expected it to be...highly entertaining but knowledgeable as well. I would read the book right before I feel asleep, which worked out fine most nights....that is until I decided to focus on going vegetarian (lacto-otho variety). My dreams after that consisted of episodes from 30Rock I remembered in my subconscious mixed with vegetable characters. Scary and hilarious at the same time. I didn't know whether I wanted to force myself awake or keep dreaming...
One of the concepts Tina mentions in her book that I most remember is when she talks about her boss from SNL. Her boss was one of those people that let you come to yourself without being a control freak and without being self-righteous. He would just give you an opening to come back to yourself, and his theory was that he could put up with a lot of crap just to get to the "gold nugget" of what that person can bring to the show. Now that is a person I can completely admire. I am more like Tina Fey--I would use whatever snappiness and self-righteousness I had to light a fire under their butt to get them doing exactly what I think they should be doing right now.
I would image God is more like that manager. I want to be more like that as a person. Can you imagine how much less stress I would have if this is the way I handled the people in my life? If I could find a way to encourage the talent and the beauty of each person to come out with my guidance and encouragement instead of my self-righteousness? What an incredible thought...
Which leads me to the focus I was supposed to have for the month, which was "Letting Go." I think I'm going to continue that into February because the only thing I "let go" of was the focus. I have gotten pretty far, though. I have come to the realization that I have forgiven a lot of people in my life that have wronged or hurt me; however, I am still that bird thinking my broken wings are still broken and won't leave the open cage to test my now healed wings to see if I can still fly in the freedom of forgiveness. Letting go is going to be the first step in finding that freedom.
One of the concepts Tina mentions in her book that I most remember is when she talks about her boss from SNL. Her boss was one of those people that let you come to yourself without being a control freak and without being self-righteous. He would just give you an opening to come back to yourself, and his theory was that he could put up with a lot of crap just to get to the "gold nugget" of what that person can bring to the show. Now that is a person I can completely admire. I am more like Tina Fey--I would use whatever snappiness and self-righteousness I had to light a fire under their butt to get them doing exactly what I think they should be doing right now.
I would image God is more like that manager. I want to be more like that as a person. Can you imagine how much less stress I would have if this is the way I handled the people in my life? If I could find a way to encourage the talent and the beauty of each person to come out with my guidance and encouragement instead of my self-righteousness? What an incredible thought...
Which leads me to the focus I was supposed to have for the month, which was "Letting Go." I think I'm going to continue that into February because the only thing I "let go" of was the focus. I have gotten pretty far, though. I have come to the realization that I have forgiven a lot of people in my life that have wronged or hurt me; however, I am still that bird thinking my broken wings are still broken and won't leave the open cage to test my now healed wings to see if I can still fly in the freedom of forgiveness. Letting go is going to be the first step in finding that freedom.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Cruel Words
Cruel words and assumptions, no matter how "unintentional" they were often cut pretty deep when they come from those who are supposed to love you unconditionally. Too often I hear more of these words than encouraging ones from the most important people in my life...except my momma--unless she's telling me that I'm acting like my dad, them's fightin' words lol.
I ask you, how do you come back from that? How do you dig deep enough within yourself to find the love for yourself that says, "no matter what he/she thinks of me or says to me, I'm going to keep pressing forward instead of looking back, I'm going to keep looking up instead of down into the hurt, I'm going to keep believing in myself even if they don't, I'm going to keep reaching for my personal goals even if they don't believe I can make it, and I will not melt into the floor or cower in hurt and shame or hide behind food anymore?" I feel like I've lived this nightmare for so long that I don't know which way is up out of my head sometimes, and it's hard not to let the darkness of these thoughts suck me in to patterns of self-destruction again. Anyone out there hear me?
I ask you, how do you come back from that? How do you dig deep enough within yourself to find the love for yourself that says, "no matter what he/she thinks of me or says to me, I'm going to keep pressing forward instead of looking back, I'm going to keep looking up instead of down into the hurt, I'm going to keep believing in myself even if they don't, I'm going to keep reaching for my personal goals even if they don't believe I can make it, and I will not melt into the floor or cower in hurt and shame or hide behind food anymore?" I feel like I've lived this nightmare for so long that I don't know which way is up out of my head sometimes, and it's hard not to let the darkness of these thoughts suck me in to patterns of self-destruction again. Anyone out there hear me?
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Never Forgotten
She brought be me back to the story of Hagar...if you have a chance to read it in the Bible, I recommend it. She wasn't exactly the best person, and because of it and because of the cruelty/irresponsibility of those in charge of her care and her "career," she ran from the community to the desert. She felt alone, forgotten, abused, hurt, bitter, disappointed, rejected, etc. She was an outcast to society; however, God did not forget her...he brought her food, water, and guidance--then went above and beyond that by giving her a very promising future and incredible legacy. Her life was simple, her influence was simple, her circle of friends small, but God saw her as important, as beautiful, and WORTH HIS TIME AND ATTENTION.
Often I forget that even though my service is simple, that I'm operating with a greater purpose. Sometimes I feel forgotten, but there is one that will never forget me. Often I struggle with my past wishing to God that things could have been different...that I could have somehow stopped these destructive patterns in my life, that I could have absorbed a completely different way of seeing myself and being more positive, that I could have stopped whatever it was that caused my pituitary tumor and the onslaught of other health issues. The list goes on and on about what I wish/think SHOULD HAVE been different about my life...so much so that it now holds me back from moving forward. I do still "feel the wounds deeply" and feel "trapped in the word of 'It should have been different'" This is where I am and this is place I want to leave.
How many of us don't want this? To feel beautiful, to be remembered, and to feel WORTH IT...you are, my friend, you are.
Yes, I did...
I'm saving my sanity...and yours...by changing my page design...you can thank me later ;)
Friday, January 13, 2012
Rough Start
So, for those of you who are wondering how I am doing on my list...not so good. Apparently my subconscious decided that I needed to "be free until my birthday." Today...the end of another year of my life. Not sure if I can get excited about that. Part of me wants to go back to the last year and somehow "redeem the year." Unfortunately, that is impossible. Last year will never be redeemed and will forever remain where it should be...in the past.
It's amazing how hard it is to let go...so that's going to be my focus until the end of January. Letting go...of the past, of relationships that shouldn't be anymore, of hurts/wounds, of anger and resentment, of habits that cause me to still be disgusted with myself, of shame, of OTHER people's expectation of what I "should" do with my life, of the negative self-talk, and most of all the sense of shame I feel.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said "There is no past we can bring back by longing for it. There is only an eternal now that builds and creates out of the past something new and better."
I'm ready for something NEW and BETTER. I think February's focus will be EMBRACING....fitting, don't you think?
It's amazing how hard it is to let go...so that's going to be my focus until the end of January. Letting go...of the past, of relationships that shouldn't be anymore, of hurts/wounds, of anger and resentment, of habits that cause me to still be disgusted with myself, of shame, of OTHER people's expectation of what I "should" do with my life, of the negative self-talk, and most of all the sense of shame I feel.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said "There is no past we can bring back by longing for it. There is only an eternal now that builds and creates out of the past something new and better."
I'm ready for something NEW and BETTER. I think February's focus will be EMBRACING....fitting, don't you think?
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