Sick & Tired of Being Sick & Tired

I wish I could change a lot of things about my life, but I know at this point many of those changes aren't possible unless they are a gradual, every day, every moment decisions. This is where I tend to run out of patience with life.

I've been training with Wade Burns who runs Elite Fitness here in Hot Springs, and it has been 2 weeks...2 full weeks of training. First week starting out with 15 minutes and now I'm up to 20 to 25. It's an intense workout no matter how short the duration, and I feel a lot of changes in my body--certain parts are slimmer, stronger, more functional while others remain a huge problem. The hardest part is that I've lost only maybe a pound or 2 and am feeling pretty depressed about the fact that I almost wasn't accepted in the training program because of all my problems combined. (pituitary tumor, swapping of hormones, weakened immune system, scoliosis in my back, the messed up musculature there, etc.)

I wish I could change the muscular and skeletal damage I've put my body through for the last 20 years...starting with poor training in track throwing shot put and discus to allowing myself to gain so much weight.

I want to give up, but THANK GOD I have Dr. Shannon DeBoer's voice in my head saying "would you rather be in pain because you are doing nothing or because you are doing something about it?" That remains true...I have lived in pain every day since 2002 when I found out about my back injuries and gave up on working out, so I chose today, IN SPITE OF HOW I FEEL, that I will continue on this journey to better health no matter what the cost.

Do NOT Mix Tina Fey & Focused Veggie Diet

So my book for January was Tina Fey's Bossypants. It was exactly what I expected it to be...highly entertaining but knowledgeable as well. I would read the book right before I feel asleep, which worked out fine most nights....that is until I decided to focus on going vegetarian (lacto-otho variety). My dreams after that consisted of episodes from 30Rock I remembered in my subconscious mixed with vegetable characters. Scary and hilarious at the same time. I didn't know whether I wanted to force myself awake or keep dreaming...

One of the concepts Tina mentions in her book that I most remember is when she talks about her boss from SNL. Her boss was one of those people that let you come to yourself without being a control freak and without being self-righteous. He would just give you an opening to come back to yourself, and his theory was that he could put up with a lot of crap just to get to the "gold nugget" of what that person can bring to the show. Now that is a person I can completely admire. I am more like Tina Fey--I would use whatever snappiness and self-righteousness I had to light a fire under their butt to get them doing exactly what I think they should be doing right now.

I would image God is more like that manager. I want to be more like that as a person. Can you imagine how much less stress I would have if this is the way I handled the people in my life? If I could find a way to encourage the talent and the beauty of each person to come out with my guidance and encouragement instead of my self-righteousness? What an incredible thought...

Which leads me to the focus I was supposed to have for the month, which was "Letting Go." I think I'm going to continue that into February because the only thing I "let go" of was the focus. I have gotten pretty far, though. I have come to the realization that I have forgiven a lot of people in my life that have wronged or hurt me; however, I am still that bird thinking my broken wings are still broken and won't leave the open cage to test my now healed wings to see if I can still fly in the freedom of forgiveness. Letting go is going to be the first step in finding that freedom.

Cruel Words

Cruel words and assumptions, no matter how "unintentional" they were often cut pretty deep when they come from those who are supposed to love you unconditionally. Too often I hear more of these words than encouraging ones from the most important people in my life...except my momma--unless she's telling me that I'm acting like my dad, them's fightin' words lol.

I ask you, how do you come back from that? How do you dig deep enough within yourself to find the love for yourself that says, "no matter what he/she thinks of me or says to me, I'm going to keep pressing forward instead of looking back, I'm going to keep looking up instead of down into the hurt, I'm going to keep believing in myself even if they don't, I'm going to keep reaching for my personal goals even if they don't believe I can make it, and I will not melt into the floor or cower in hurt and shame or hide behind food anymore?" I feel like I've lived this nightmare for so long that I don't know which way is up out of my head sometimes, and it's hard not to let the darkness of these thoughts suck me in to patterns of self-destruction again. Anyone out there hear me?

Never Forgotten

I just started reading a book by Sheila Walsh, famous 80's recording artist and speaker for Women of Faith, called "Letting Go." Very appropriate considering that is my focus for January.

She brought be me back to the story of Hagar...if you have a chance to read it in the Bible, I recommend it. She wasn't exactly the best person, and because of it and because of the cruelty/irresponsibility of those in charge of her care and her "career," she ran from the community to the desert. She felt alone, forgotten, abused, hurt, bitter, disappointed, rejected, etc. She was an outcast to society; however, God did not forget her...he brought her food, water, and guidance--then went above and beyond that by giving her a very promising future and incredible legacy. Her life was simple, her influence was simple, her circle of friends small, but God saw her as important, as beautiful, and WORTH HIS TIME AND ATTENTION.

Often I forget that even though my service is simple, that I'm operating with a greater purpose. Sometimes I feel forgotten, but there is one that will never forget me. Often I struggle with my past wishing to God that things could have been different...that I could have somehow stopped these destructive patterns in my life, that I could have absorbed a completely different way of seeing myself and being more positive, that I could have stopped whatever it was that caused my pituitary tumor and the onslaught of other health issues. The list goes on and on about what I wish/think SHOULD HAVE been different about my life...so much so that it now holds me back from moving forward. I do still "feel the wounds deeply" and feel "trapped in the word of 'It should have been different'" This is where I am and this is place I want to leave.

How many of us don't want this? To feel beautiful, to be remembered, and to feel WORTH IT...you are, my friend, you are.

Yes, I did...

I'm saving my sanity...and yours...by changing my page design...you can thank me later ;)

Rough Start

So, for those of you who are wondering how I am doing on my list...not so good. Apparently my subconscious decided that I needed to "be free until my birthday." Today...the end of another year of my life. Not sure if I can get excited about that. Part of me wants to go back to the last year and somehow "redeem the year." Unfortunately, that is impossible. Last year will never be redeemed and will forever remain where it should be...in the past.

It's amazing how hard it is to let go...so that's going to be my focus until the end of January. Letting go...of the past, of relationships that shouldn't be anymore, of hurts/wounds, of anger and resentment, of habits that cause me to still be disgusted with myself, of shame, of OTHER people's expectation of what I "should" do with my life, of the negative self-talk, and most of all the sense of shame I feel.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said "There is no past we can bring back by longing for it. There is only an eternal now that builds and creates out of the past something new and better."

I'm ready for something NEW and BETTER. I think February's focus will be EMBRACING....fitting, don't you think?

35 by 35

So I was incredibly inspired by my friend Sylvia's goal list, and I decided to go ahead and create my own. My hope is that people will keep me accountable and encouraged by asking me how my list is coming and to keep it in front of me so I know what I want out of life and will hopefully stop hiding from what I want in my life...thus ending the patterns of self-destruction.

I'm okay with this list changing as I want different things in my life; however, they shouldn't change too drastically. This little exercise has really shown me what's important to me to start changing/working on/keeping in my life and what I just need to let go of. Hopefully I will either have these things completely done and still living in them in 3 years OR have them well on their way to being a life pattern.

First Year Goals

1. Cut eating out to special occasions ONLY. Those of you who know me best, please help me with this one...it's VERY important to my health in many aspects.
   
2. Work out every day in one way or another...whether it's 20 minutes or 1 hour. I do want to exercise 3 to 4 days a week at 45 minutes to 1 hour in cardio. I have noticed tremendous results doing this. I read the other day that someone who hasn't exercised a whole lot can do the same workout for about 12 weeks before their body REALLY gets used to the routine and they need to change it up. Since consistency is very important to creating a habit, I'm going to do the same routine 2 to 3 times and throw in some Zumba :)
   
3. Go for walks with my hubby and/or puppy as often as possible. I'm tired of the excuses as to why I don't do this...I just need to go for it...even if I have to start out slow.
   
4. Maintain a clean house. Non-clutter assists me in being healthy, productive, and creative. GOODBYE LAZINESS!!!
   
5. Surround myself with healthy goals, encouragement, good music, and people.
   
6. Educated reading...read 1 or 2 books a month so I can expand my knowledge and possibly my life experiences. List: Yoga for Christians, The Pathfinder, Finding Your North Star, The First 30 Days, You Can Heal Your Life, Blessing Your Spirit, Creative Call, Let it Go, Becoming the Woman God Wants Me to Be, Feeling Good, Grow Vegetables, Shortcut to Gardening and Lawn Work, Medicinal Herbs of the Prairie...these are all good books, they are all on my shelf. I can do it, and it's a great start.
   
7. Go through everything in my house and throw away/sell anything that isn't going to Indiana with us when we move. It's a long way off, but I don't want to be dealing with all that AND trying to move at the same time.
   
8. Set up a budget and stick to it--a budget that leaves us with money to move, start over, and go on vacation.
   
   
9. Take care of myself DAILY/WEEKLY because I AM WORTH IT!
   Vitamins Fruits & Veggies Omega 3's Medication Washing/Moisturizing
   Full Dental Care Shaving Legs
   
10. Learn to make a meal plan and grocery shop accordingly...this TERRIFIES me, so it will be a HUGE step if I actually do it and enjoy it.
    
11. Work to grow a successful garden and not be discouraged by last year's results
    a. save carpet from living room floor to use on walkways to deter weed growth
    b. compost & roto-till this year
    c. purchase plants from a greenhouse & NOT a retail store
    d. start in May so have good growth by June
    
    
12. Learn how to grill food...must first learn how to start the grill first.
    
13. Give more time to my spiritual growth and stop avoiding what I know I need.
    
14. Water my garden & lawn frequently.
    
15. Go camping and/or hiking whether it's by myself, with Kelly, or with friends.
    
16. Sing worship again
    
17. Embrace the greatest teacher in life = PAIN
    
18. Do my best to show Kelly how much I love him by being a more passionate lover, perform more acts of service (especially when he's in school), an communicating better with him about my needs and what I'm doing
    
19. Make yoga a part of my life again....with my back issues, it's a GREAT healer and can strengthen my body in the way I want. I just felt a lot better and exercise was easier when this was a part of my life.
    
20. Daily bless those in my life....friend and foe
    
21. Remove myself from all abusive relationships and/or put myself in a place where those abusive relationships don't affect me negatively
    
22. Maintain the good relationships have built with those that have blessed my life in so many ways no matter how far away I move
    
23. Journal or blog daily about my weight loss journey, what I'm going through emotionally, new things I discover...anything.
    
24. Finish my wedding scrapbook (OMG...it'll be 10 years on the 5th!!! What!? and still not done?)
    
25. Learn to set boundaries and maintain them...not taking on too much and not taking on burdens that aren't mine to take on.
    
    First 2 Years
26. Help establish a successful Young Professionals Group in Hot Springs
27. Decide what I want to go to school for and work in that direction
28. Be debt free...no school loans from Kelly, no credit card debt, no medical debt
29. Run a 5K or 10K
30. Find a place to live that accepts pets when we move so I don't have to leave my puppy behind. I just can't do that, and I don't want anyone else to raise her. She's the only "child" I have and it's nice to come home to someone that's happy to see you, cuddles, and loves you with no questions asked and no judgement.
    
    First 3 Years
31. Find employment that is satisfying, higher paying, and works with both our schedules
32. Write a book: either a novel or biography about my journey to health
33. Become a health/fitness guru and coach others on their journey as I have been helped
34. Find a cure for my pituitary tumor and/or have it completely under control
35. Determine if I really want to open a bed-n-breakfast/resort-style business and start working on a business plan

So that's it!! Wish me luck ;)